community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
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