It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
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