I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
I heard from multiple reliable sources that she doesn't have a gag reflex. Of course I'm going to try to go home with her.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
Btw you guys passed out eating DP dough and watching Pocahontas... on a monday
it was stoner heaven..
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