He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
Pants are for mortals
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
Randomize
