My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
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