smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
It's a little hazey but I think I tried to request Nelly last night. There was no dj. Not sure who I was talking to
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
