Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
its summer. and we all know college gfs do not count in summer.
college gfs dont count ever. theyre like getting corn rows in jamaica. you feel cool at the time. then you go home and people make fun of you.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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