He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
Randomize
