Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
PS Can you transmit a UTI to a sexual partner? I tried to ask, but the doctor just told me to abstain (sup Bristol) for my own good w/o answering
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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