oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
That was before I lit my hair on fire
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
