Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
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