she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
Is it wierd that I kind of wish I could hang out with Melissa Joan Hart?
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
We need to re-create the Get Some Ass Tour 2002.
Um, 2 out of 3 people involved with that particular event are now married, so I don't think that will be happening.
HELLO, they're MARRIED! They need to get some ass more than anyone.
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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