Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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