i cvme to yuor rooom...wherer are youf?
please be gone before i get back
if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
Dude I just peed on my pants. not in them though. and yes there is a difference
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
after taking her first shot and having her first random hook up she finally feels like she is ready for college
she has no idea
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
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