Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
Randomize
