Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
Randomize
