My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
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