things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
It's okay. I've dumbed down my notes over the semester because I knew I wouldn't be up to understanding things come finals.
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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