I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
I fucking love fucking science majors-- she told me that she wanted to know if her gag reflex got better or worse with alcohol, and that her initial evidence had been inconclusive. So, next few weeks, yeah, gettin blown periodically. All I have to do is keep a log.
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Randomize
