it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
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