i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
They should really pass out barf bags in church
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
there should be a relationship option on facebook "stillllll in a relationship"
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
Randomize
