I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
I have peed in a lot of sinks
Randomize
