doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
well shes beginning to earn a reputation as "the girl who tries to bone her hook ups in the ass with a pickle"
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
Randomize
