Spring semester is just not the same w/o you
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
Randomize