i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
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