Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
Randomize
