oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
Randomize
