Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
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