We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
Actions speak louder than pants.
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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