Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize
