U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
We single women of America need to make America great again by refusing to fuck anyone who supports Trump.
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Randomize
