How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
No, I'm talking to this Chinese girl. Can't understand a word she's saying, but i think i caught the word vagina a few times.
I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
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