I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
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