You don't have asthma, your pregnant
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
Has anyone heard from Jamie or has she actually just been having sex for 48 hours?
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
