home. puking in laundry basket.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
Do you have feelings for this penis?
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
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