If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
Randomize
