Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
tequila makes me forget i have legs
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
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