yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
Ummmm the art teacher neighbor asked me to pose nude for her art class for cash.
just had an encounter with drunk people from out of state at dairy queen. they wanted to stay till march to see the high school play.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
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