it was like his penis was on wheels.
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
Randomize
