I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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