i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
Randomize
