I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Randomize
