Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
just found the deal breaker
hairy back?
he can't live within 1000 ft of a school
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
Randomize