WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
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