My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
You are a booty call, not a friend.
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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