Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
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