Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
this celing is unfamiliar to me... im just vaguely wondering where i am. but not quite concerned enough to do anything about it.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
Okay Im still jerking off but now with the Reality of Law School Looming In The Distance
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
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