Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
im sure we could have fun without alcohol but i just dont wanna chance it...
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
nothing out of the ordinary. you aplogized for having a spicy vagina and passed out
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
Randomize