I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
If I don't throw up the day I graduate i'll feel like the last 4 years and thousands of dollars spent on alcohol will have been wasted.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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