I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
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