i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
Randomize
