There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
we both passed out while playing beer pong, woke up in the morning and continued to play coffee pong to cure our hangovers
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
Randomize
