So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
