i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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