he doesn't care that i have a boyfriend so why should i?
logic in its finest
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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