I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
Your shirt... Was in my pants
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
Randomize
