im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
Randomize
