you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
Not to make her into that kind of girl, but she did have a condom mural
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
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