Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
Randomize
