problem. drunk. stepbrother hitting on me again. help.
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will."
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
Due to this morning's events my new porn name is Reepa Nipplov.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
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