Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
My ass is underappreciated
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
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